About this Blog
Momfidence! cheers on commonsense parenting and sighs at the rest. How to worry less, wing it more. A.k.a. parenting by the seat of my mid-rise mom jeans.
About Paula SpencerI'm the author of Momfidence! An Oreo Never Killed Anybody and Other Secrets of Happier Parenting, and a mom of four in Chapel Hill, North Carolina (where you can't even buy Oreos at the two wholesome groceries nearest to my home). 
A rare foto in which all six Spencers face the camera! by Charles Harris
Some Kindred Blogs
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Reading, Writing, and Finance 101July 01, 2009
Someone in the Wall Street Journal today, commenting on the Bernie Madoff scandal and the financial ruin of the late celebs Michael Jackson and Ed MacMahon, wondered why they don't teach basic finances in schools? Good question. If there's room in the curriculum for recycling, ecology, anti-bullying, respect, black history (in Feb), sex ed, nutrition-label reading, et. al. -- and I'm not saying these don't belong in classrooms, only that they're non-3Rs that have become standards -- then why not personal finance? How to balance a checkbook. Compound interest and the bliss of saving. The perils of spending more than you earn. Hmmm, maybe there's room for a few quick lessons on laundry, too. Summer Boredom BustersJune 29, 2009
Ok, I admit it, hopelessly overscheduled and functioning on with all the vim and stupor of summertime mode. So let me tell you about other places I'm writing: Starting today I'm 3x/week in The Daily WD over at womansday.com (where you can also get recipes and save money -- not from me, from the clever and on-top-of-such-things WD editors -- instantly multiplying your incentives to read me over there!) Direct quote: So today kicks off my new 3x/week posts here, where I'll answer reader questions about, oh, whatever mom, dad, kid, or family thing is on your mind. Ask away at momfidence@gmail.com. Here's a timely starter (timely because I just heard the same thing today around my house!):
stay tuned...Weds I'll dish on First Momshells. Shocker Headline: "Gizmos Attract Kids"June 11, 2009
Hey moms, guess what?! Kids 4-14 are increasingly distracted by computers, cellphones, video games, et.al -- and the trend shows "no sign of reversing any time soon.". So says a surprising (!) study by a consulting group. Of course, to kids this stuff falls in the category of "toys." Electronics only are categorized in our own heads as something other than playthings because we know what they cost!
Let Your Child Do the Showing and TellingJune 02, 2009
This news report about a Pennsylvania judge ruling that the Bible is inappropriate material for Show and Tell in kindergarten caught my eye for obvious reasons. But as I read the story more closely I realized one thing didn't ring true: The mom was coming into class to read Scripture as part of her son's show-and-tell about himself. Wait a minute! I thought Show and Tell was supposed to be an opportunity for the child to get used to standing up in front of an audience, talking about himself and his interests (or the feather he found on the way to school, the souvenir from vacation, or yes, his favorite book). All religious commentary aside...If you bring your mom in to do the presentation for you, that doesn't count as Show and Tell to me! Good Nutrition Habits: The Heat Is Off MomJune 01, 2009
From the Studies I Love Department: Parents' influence on eating habits is small, says the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health. Their research shows that resemblance between parents' and kids' eating habits is weak. Makes sense to me. How else do I have four such different eaters? How else to explain the chicken nugget years? The one who loves vegetables but no fruits? The bottomless appetite for bright yellow foods (goldfish crackers, Cheez Nips, mac and cheese) I can't abide? You can influence, but you can't control. And apparently your influence may be smaller than you'd like to think. Life (and Holidays) Happen
May 26, 2009
No this isn't a moribund blog though you'd think so from the way this May is running. fyi, a new thing at womansday.com: A Q&A "Momfidence" blog starts up next month! You can ask away at momfidence@gmail.com (That's a pic of the little icon they're using. I feel like a postage stamp! Or a green stamp, anyone remember those?) Tell Your Kids They Don't Want to Be Miley Cyrus
May 14, 2009
New study confirms that wealth, fame, and fetching looks do not a happy person make. In a nutshell: "...reaching materialistic and image-related milestones actually contributes to ill-being; despite their accomplishments, individuals experience more negative emotions like shame and anger and more physical symptoms of anxiety such as headaches, stomachaches, and loss of energy. By contrast, individuals who value personal growth, close relationships, community involvement, and physical health are more satisfied as they meet success in those areas. They experience a deeper sense of well-being, more positive feelings toward themselves, richer connections with others, and fewer physical signs of stress." Instead of "Be careful what you wish for" maybe the adage should be "Be careful what you aspire to"! "Bad" Is Not a Contest, It's a Badge of InsecurityMay 14, 2009
You've probably noticed that "bad" mothering is all the rage. There's a national contest underway, it seems, for the crown of most horrible mother out there. When I was interviewed on Amy Tiemann's Mojo Mom podcast recently, she brought up how it was hard to get publicity for a mom-oriented book with positive, helpful messages because bookers are wild for renegade mommies, these days. (True Mom Confessions and Bad Mothers being two actual titles among the recent Mother's Day offerings out there.) I know...Momfidence the book was born amidst racy memoirs by ex-rock-groupie mamas and drinkin' mamas. I don't know about you but I get depressed reading other mothers' deriliction and onedownmanship. It too easily goes beyond catharsis and treads into boring tastelessness. Do people really give toddlers benadryl so they'll sleep on airplanes? Push over their fledgling walkers for the thrill of it? Tell their kids the pot they're smoking is "incense, like in church"? Ick. I don't want to know. Neither will your kids. Mostly this trendlet is sad because I thought we've moved past the simplicity of a calculus that says if you're not a Good Mother (sainthood variety), you must be a Bad Mother. (Are you really a Bad Mother if you hide the finger paints because you can't stand the mess, as one mom says? I never bought them in the first place, for that very reason! For that we have preschool!) Raising kids is boring, messy, complicated, frustrating,et. al. But hello?! That's what you signed up for. Complain to your daddy-o or your best friend, but don't think you have to out-admit anybody. Don't waste your time reading about how comparatively bad you are or aren't. One thing raising kids definitely isn't, is a contest. Name Yourself Mother of the Year
May 07, 2009
Or name a sister or a friend. In the past 12 hours, two sweet friends have sent me this fun email, which is the most viral maternal thing out there since that singing-the-nags mom. (Way more viral than the tiresome swine flu.) Happy Mother's Day, early! This Week's Lighten-Up-and-Eat-a-Cookie Award
May 06, 2009
A step-away-and-snarf-a-cookie order to any mom who feels her "caregiving identity" is threatened if a child who's hurt on the playground runs to Daddy first. That was an example given in a USA Today piece on moms who want shared parenting but feel threatened by changes in the conventional hierarchy of duties. Says one mom giving the example: "My first reaction is, 'I hope the other mothers didn't notice because maybe they would judge me.' " I'd judge all right...I'd judge the kid as lucky! Mine grew up calling indiscriminately for "Mommy" or "Daddy" when they were sick or hurt -- whoever was handy or was top of mind at the moment. That's shared parenting and it's terrific. It's about the kids, not about you and what people think about you.
Momfidence and Mojo (and How They Go Together)May 01, 2009
Had fun this week appearing on Amy Tiemann's Mojo Mom podcast. Amy opened with a provocative question based on a previous discussion she'd had: What would I tell the smart, energetic MBA candidates she's been meeting who claim that they don't want to have kids because the demands of family life seem so overwhelming and incompatible with what they're trying to accomplish changing the world from the corridors of business? Actually I didn't want to have kids once, either. But then biology takes over and hopefully you're not too much of a control freak to ignore something as potent as biology... Then you find yourself responsible for another human life in an undeniably direct way and realize that hell, no matter what path you choose life is complicated and at least if you're smart enough to also have an MBA maybe you can put yourself in a position to do something about better child care & family leave policies & flex time & all that. We talked about more than that but it was an interesting starting point. Amy's terrific new book Mojo Mom is all about staying true to yourself in the midst of the myriad demands on your time that giving into biology triggers. So if you've stared at yourself in a mirror lately and wondered "Who's she? Where am I?" I suggest clicking over to amazon right now. Momfidence is... Easier when you've got your mojo. Babies on the BrainApril 30, 2009
Having a baby shower? Hosting one? Attending one? Or just want to reminisce on your own? Read "Getting the Baby Shower You Want" by Camille Peri at WebMD ...and watch for the it-happened-to-me anecdotes from yours truly. "Everyone is looking at you so expectantly as you're opening a wipe warmer," says Spencer, "and you're trying to figure out the correct expression of gratitude, but you don't even know what a wipe warmer is yet." True story! And there's more-- Invisible Mothers and Their Tarty TotsApril 28, 2009
Yet another disturbing feature on the "junior fashionista trend" -- as in very junior juniors, 8 and 10, who aspire to be just like models and movie stars, now. And where do they get their penchants for make-up and breast implants, and their designer/goth wardrobes? From mums, apparently, who: * Are "proud" to see their 10-y-os unable to pass a mirror without checking to see if they've gained weight * Provide 20-plus lipsticks to fourth graders * "Bond together" over shopping and "flick through" fashion mags together * "Can't remember" the last time their little girls played outside * Host "makeover parties" for 10s * Find it "hard to put my foot down" All that just in the article. Momfidence is...
Memories Are Forever (Especially Once Digitized)April 28, 2009
I've been writing about parenting for, oh, awhile now. Many of those pieces predate the www. So it's always fun/funny when they spring to new life online seeming as if I still have (sigh!) (of both regret and relief!) a 4-y-o and a 2-y-o. A reader (a dad) just wrote to thank me for a piece he saw on CNN.com: "What I Learned About My Husband in Bed." As of last night, it was highlighted on the cnn home page under "Latest News," which was especially funny -- and mortifying, too. I wrote it a decade ago for Parenting, about being on bedrest (with #3 of the four kids). As I recall, I sold the piece on the basis of the titillating title, before I'd fleshed out the idea! That's no doubt what got it placed on the cnn home page, come to think of it. Just thought I'd set the record straight in case anybody was thinking I was having yet ANOTHER baby! Labor: Walk It OutApril 21, 2009
In labor? Stay on your feet! A major review combining data from 21 studies finds that women who lay down -- in any position -- during first-stage labor have slower labors and are more likely to need an epidural than those who sit upright, stand, or walk. (First-stage labor is that endless journey from 3cm to10cm dilation.) For me it was instinctive. I remember when during my first labor when they'd make me get into the bed to be monitored periodically...finally my doctor ok'd a walking monitor. It was a long labor anyway (12 hrs) but I just didn't feel comfortable lying in bed til near transition. Ditto all my other childbirths... Trouble with being put right in bed is that the medical machine takes over and you have no idea what's instinctive any more. And if anything should be instinctive it's the process of a human being coming out of your body. After all it's instinct that got it in there in the first place.
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